Sunday, April 23, 2017

Merch, y'all (aka "bring cash")

Those of you who follow New Texture's twitter page will certainly have noticed this gem:

"Music has become worthless now, for the first time ever." Josh Alan Friedman on Stark Truth Radio

Though I am inclined to believe everything Mr. Friedman says, I most certainly agree with him on the above assessment, and do so from a place of personal experience.  

Further, you don't have to be the Idiot Bastard to know that it's not love, but merch that will tear us apart, again.  Feuding heirs and what not.

While it may be the Jooklo-Zappa sonic experience will quickly and violently pass through you like a 1 Euro Berlin falafel, posters, tee shirts, tour books, cassettes and CD's can stay with you forever like a fancy stomach parasite from some exotic locale.

Here are some examples of the offerings on the 2017 Jooklo Zappa Loves You European Freakabastia Tour:

Above are ten of eighty eight (88) original tour posters.  And by original I mean that each one is unique, hand made by I-man, with nothing but love in my heart and a lot of gratitude for the magic of WILD GEARS! Love you guys!

(As for the photos, if you are wondering about the horrendous exposure, that was by choice.  Stop shouting)

In addition, there are fifty (50) of these as well:

These also are all original, all hand made, no two alike, no two the same size, all look better in real day light than what ever the fuck exposure the camera thought best, all printed on thick paper, all suitable for framing, all will keep your table top clear of those pesky drink rings when used as a coaster or table mat.

Mind you, while the proceeds from these posters should go to pay for dog food, people food, heating bills, auto insurance and taxes (in that order) my personal private personal strategy (as 1/4 of the Jooklo Zappa trio) is to allocate those funds to the realization of some high-art uber-collectable JOOKLO-ZAPPA 12" vinyl.

I'm looking at you URDLA...

Does that turn anyone's crank?  While I suppose I could go on KickStarter or GoFuckFundMe, I still like to pretend I can get things done by the sweat of my own brow(n).  Not like that has ever been the case, but hey, if you don't have a dream, how do you expect a dream to come true?  Because really now, it can't be that only nightmares come true, right?  Please?  Someone?  Hello?

Not shown are the Tour Books or the cassettes.  That is for the simple reason that they are not yet done.  No matter, I have 7 days before I leave.  All the time in the world, right?

Sunday, April 16, 2017


That's right.  Happy Easter!  And STOP SHOUTING!

Because really, if a man can't take 3 months off from Blogging about the most important tour of his entire "career" (hahaha) with the totally excellent and fantastic Jooklo-Duo, in the JOOKLO ZAPPA formation then the terrorists have in fact won, mother of all bombs not withstanding.

(what would you do with $16 million? I for one would blog a lot more often)

In the last three months, the tremendously and very very talented Virginia Genta thoughtfully made this fantastic poster:

For those of you who not only are going deaf, losing their hair, joint mobility, sense of humour, will to live and most importantly for this application, vision, here's an easier to read rundown:

MAY 6:  Troglofesta in Chiesuola, Italy

Another totally epic poster by Ms. Genta!  Like, this event alone is worth the schlepp from the middle of nothingnowhere Canada to gaye olde Europe. I for one am quite excited to meet all the musicians.  Those of you who follow the Jooklo Duo on Youtube will have, by now, enjoyed the musical stylings of Riccardo Sinigaglia and Al Doum and the Faryds.  Chiesuola is in Ravenna, which has at least one building from the 6th century.  The totality of North America has nothing from the 6th century AD, aside of course from a perfectly workable and highly developed civilization that white people crushed with war and disease upon arrival.

MAY 7th - 11: secret, special, personal, private recording sessions, cheese eating, bakery inspections and advanced dance move rehearsal.

MAY 12: Het Bos Antwerp, Belgium 

It doesn't take a congressional inquiry to figure out Jooklo-Zappa is performing with Lauroshilau.  It could be they are the exact opposite of us!  A good thing!  From Portugal, we have The Selva.  Three trios.  Hey, did you know together we can do that which we cannot do alone?  My person al hope as 1/4 of the Jooklo Trio is that once we have "presented" we can undo our top buttons and make the big sound as multi-culti 9 tet!  United Sound Nations, yo!

MAY 13: In De Ruimte Gent, Belgium
Yellow!  The colour of...good times!  They'll get the deets up soon.....

MAY 14: Rumsteek Oui Rumsteek, Bruxelles, Belgium

Maybe you have to be on their mailing list to hear about the gig?  Well I'm here to tell you at some point, on the 14 of may, hopefully after getting to know the Who's who in the world of frites we will be at Rumsteek Oui Rumsteek playing the sweet living fried potatoes out of our respective instruments.

MAY 15: Venue TBA Paris

And the announcement is....go peel a banana!  Like I give a fuck!  Besides, what's there to see in Paris anyhow?  Dogshit strewn streets?

MAY 17: Nouveau Garage, St Julian, France.  Got anything to drink?

MAY 18: Le Pรฉriscope, Lyon, France
Hells yeah Periscope!  I'm looking at you, you're looking at me! Hopefully there will be time to visit URDLA where Bill Dixon did the fantastic work for the covers of Vade Mecum (and Papyrus also, maybe?). 

Mr. Rob Mazurek, who has no small fondness for Mr. Dixon's work has been to URDLA to express himself.  Hey URDLA...I'm seeing a pattern here...are you seeing a pattern here?  coup de coude coup de coude, clin d'ล“il clin d'ล“il?

Virgiiiiiiiiiiii can we go to URDLA pleaseeeeeeeeeeee???????????

MAY 19: Circuit centre d'art contemporain - Lausanne, Switzerland

Art! Like, what language do they even speak in Lausanne?  Is Swiss a language?  Obviously I am waaay out of my depth.  I'll be quiet now.

MAY 20: Fri Art - Centre d'art de Fribourg / Kunsthalle Freiburg, Switzerland

More Art! Wiggly kissing!  Switzerland!

MAY 21: La Cave 12, Geneve, Switzerland

DIMANCHE is (?) for Sunday I'm guessing?  And what better day to make a pilgrimage to the Freddy Mercury statue?   

Virgiiiii, can we go to the Freddy Mercury Statue pleaseeeeeeeeeee?????

MAY 23: KROCH, Stockholm

Applekaka!  Say it with me...Apple Kaka! It just sounds dirty!  But oh so good once you get it in your mouth!  Valands Konditori on Surbrunnsgatan 48 

Virgiiii, can we go to Valands Konditori on Subrunnsgatan 48 to get some Applekaka which only sounds dirty pleeaseeeee?????????

MAY 24: Mental Alaska at Hard Rock House, Helsinki, Finland

Ok, is Finland a "Scandinavian" country or isn't it?  If not why not?  He asked with his grade 6 understanding of geography.

You know, when I went to a certain festival in a certain part of North German where I was told "no one gets paid",I met some fantastic musicians from Finland.  Y'all going to be at the show? I would love to see you! 

MAY 25
: Mayhem Kbh, Copenhagen, Denmark


MAY 26: West Germany Venue, Berlin, Germany

Damn!  Berlin!  Some very heavy music (among other things) has come out of Berlin.  I also hear it costs less than 1 Euro to ruin your entire day!

Extra points for decorating the place as I did my dorm room in college (and next few apartments after graduation)!

MAY 27: Kaiola festibala, Galdakao, Basque Country
The Bay of Biscay (you say?)   An "autonomous community" of Basque Country, northern Spain?  A language that has lots of K's and X's and has nothing to do with Spanish?  Very exciting.

MAY 28: Fanfulla, Rome, Italy

"Rome is going to blow your little fucking mind" she said.

MAY 29: Bar Chupito, Perugia, Italy

You mean like those highly addicting "Bacci" things they sent to Northern New Jersey to enfatten the people and simultaneously deliver them from those little waxen turd "kisses"? (cf. streets of Paris)

Hopefully I won't get my camera stolen, or loose the SD card, or some other horrendous episode along the way, so we can spend the 30th uploading, downloading, mowing the lawn, and all the rest.

+ + + + + 

MERCH! Merch on top of merch inside of merch.  Stay tuned for more deets.  In the mean, just bring cash.  30 Euro should do just fine!

Monday, January 23, 2017

If The Internet Says It Is True......


Saturday, December 31, 2016

Question: Did you have a nice Christmas?

Answer:  FALSE!

There was no so-called Christmas this year.  Moreover, there will never be another Christmas again.  From now on, December 25th is now and forever known as  The Day George Michael Died Day.

Send your plastic trees and wreaths to the plastic smelting plant.  

Take those stockings off the mantle, put a bar of soap in them and use them for self defence.

Give the roasted chestnuts to what little wildlife remains in your strip-mall blighted community.

Nothing is good and everything is bad.  

Don't believe me?  Let's do the math:

This man is dead

meanwhile, this psychopath lying scumbag, this slippery puddle of squirting pig shit, and this fucker, the undisputed king of the fucking assholes still drink child blood freely from Chinese slave-made stemware on this flat, 6000 year old earth.

Questions?  Comments?

+ + +

2017!  Who loves ya baby? 


And by "you" the JOOKLO-ZAPPA GEORGE MICHAEL MEMORIAL FREEDOM MACHINE means select locations in Europe and Scandinavia.  It does *not* mean the UK or the so-called                       --as those pricks are too skint to even cover our coffee drinking budget.  Jolly good job, you tossers!  Now I know what the moustached-one meant when he said the ocean "is a body of water to isolate England"

And of course, now that George Michael is dead, what's the point of going to the England at all?  For the food?

+ + +

Soprano saxophones.  Mine is just about useless...bent and beaten from the last tour.  Poor little thing...that gentile Antigua Wind never had a chance against the fierce Western Canadian and US Pacific North West gusts of fantastic hospitality.

Say, anyone out there in Soprano saxophone land interested in having one of their lower end student model horns (that works) trotted all over Europe and Scandinavia?  

Believe me, these aren't careless whispers I'm making over here.  As you can see the  JOOKLO-ZAPPA GEORGE MICHAEL MEMORIAL FREEDOM MACHINE loves to blog, and this 24% of the  JOOKLO-ZAPPA GEORGE MICHAEL MEMORIAL FREEDOM MACHINE promises to get his picture taken with your working lower end student horn at Kierkegaard's house and outside the better bakeries and bike shops along the way.  My God--just think of the exposure!!! 
Everyone loves to work just for the exposure, right?

If you are a saxophone capitalist and are interested in being my Father Figure by lending me a working horn that can play notes above C#, feel free to drop me a line on this very blog (where the working horn you lent me will be "exposed.")

In the mean time, believe on this...

See you in May unless you are in England, in which case we will not see you, ever.

Sunday, December 18, 2016

Kierkegaard, Rance Allen, The Jooklo Zappa Friendship Machine and YOU--Perfect Together!

In the end it's all a question of ear.  The rules of grammar end with ear--the edicts of the law end with ear--the figured bass ends with ear--the philosophical system ends with ear--which is why the next life is also represented as pure music, as a great harmony--if only my life's dissonance may soon be resolved into that.

--Soren Kierkegaard Papers and Journals: A Selection.


Don't you love it when really smart people write about music?  (Ha!  if you did you wouldn't be reading this blog!)  

And don't you love it when those really smart people drop some science over 100 years ago that's still fresh, germane, applicable?

And don't you really really love it when anyone drops some science that generates more questions than answers?

For example, who's ear are we speaking of?  Do the ears of Kierkegaard's Copenhagen hear the same way as the ears of RUN-DMC's Hollis Queens?


Next Life / Pure Music / Great Harmony!(tm)

You know what I think is a great harmony?  Two pianos, tuned 1/6 of a half tone apart, every key depressed with a 88 key long piece of wood, again and again.  Preferably rapidly, by a machine.  That is a great harmony.  Please!  No one gives a shit about 7th chords and your thoughtful placement there-of any more. 

And how about that Pure Music?  Like Walter White's Pure Meth?  Something only achieved by expensive technical infrastructure and wicked good science chops?

Or is pure in this instance the antonym to fake?

Gotta love that "fake."  You know, when it comes to the intangible--like music (because that is all I care about)--it's never what alone but who in conjunction with their surplus of what that gets the final word with regards to determining what is FAKE--(even if , many years later, it is revealed to have been the REAL all along, and the so called real (like the so called moon landing) was fake fakery from even before the get go.  Pre-meditated fakery!  GROWTH INDUSTRY!

Maybe that's why this 25% of the Jooklo-Zappa trio loves music--it IS all FAKE!  You know what else?  The FAKER your music and the FAKER you are about doing so, the more your audience will love you!  Unless your audience is Soren Kierkegaard:

In our time book-scribbling is so wretched and people write about things they have never really given thought to, let alone experienced.  So I've decided to read only the writings of those who were executed or faced danger in some way.

Soren Kierkegaard, ibid.


What are the dangers faced by improvising musicians of the now?  Does the "danger" have to be a constant, a singular event?  A singular event that happened twice?  The menace of an event to happen?  See, this is what I mean about writings [and music] that generates more questions than it answers.


"So like, are you going to Europe or what?"

asked a well known record industry mogul, not that he cares or anything.

"I Copenhagen in Europe?  Virgi!  Are we going to Europe?  Is Copenhagen in Europe?"

I don't know about you, but I want to jump up and down on the beds at Kierkegaard's rather swank digs!

Virgi!!!  Can we, the Jooklo-Zappa Blossoming Flower of Untempered Happiness do our thing next to the bicycles?

Um, hellooooo, BEST VIDEO EVER!!!

How's that for an answer?

Thursday, December 15, 2016

Remember to keep the Rance Allen in Christmas!

This particular Jooklo-Zappa would like to take a moment to remind you that Christmas, as well as the other 364 days of the year, are all about Rance Allen

Thanks to the miracle and thoughtful kindness of my best friend Youtube, together we can enjoy the majesty and genius of the one and only Rance Allen as manifested in the above playlist, compiled by a well written and very groovy algorithm.

Thank you algorithm!

This season, and all other seasons, raise your hands in the air like antennas to God and bask in the glorious warmth and musical genius of soul-gospel virtuoso Rance Allen!

REJOICE!!! This message is approved by 25% of the Jooklo-Zappa Friendship Spaceship of Many Colours

Sunday, December 11, 2016

Live with the Jooklo-Zappa Pan Tonal Friendship Blossom...Again!

Live at the Village Vanguard again!

Hands up, who likes again! better than the first time?

Hands up, who likes the record cover of again! better than the first one?

I know, I know, this superlative excellence, that superlative the words of Hillary Clinton and Morrissey "What difference does it make?"

Very little, I suppose...though it is a different line up, a different time, a different gestalt, a different relationship to harmony and different conception as to that which can be used by the soloist against these harmonies.

So, yeah, it probably makes little to no difference.

Because really, does anything ever make any difference?

Has the Village Vanguard fixed the awning yet?

What difference would that make?


With the sun shining less and less upon my part of our flat earth, at Gill Scott Heron's urging, I am turning to John Coltrane, rather than lady day.  

That makes a BIG difference, thanks for asking.

What difference does turning to John Coltrane again and again and again make?

The key is "again and again and again"

Each evening, after David would cook a lovely meal and do the dishes while Ms. Genta and I gave each other manicures, we would sit together on the couch, snuggle with Mr. Poo Poo the pit bull, and have Book Talk or Discussioni progetto.

After a randy discussion of the Analects of Confucius, talk turned to Bruce Lee and his totally excellent book the Tao of Jeet Kune Do.

Here's a question: Would it be fair to call Bruce Lee the John Coltrane of the Martial Arts?

Here's another question: Is anything ever fair?

Those of you who have read the Tao of Jeet Kune Do know that it is really a book about improvisation.

Those of you who follow Bruce Lee on your Pinterest page have probably read the Bruce Lee quote about not fearing a man who has done 10,000 exercises once, but fearing the man (or woman) who has done one exercise 10,000 times.

Isn't that right Morio Higaonna?

On the advice of Ernie Watts, from a lecture/demonstration given at the Berklee College of Music (of all places), this little Jooklo-Zappa, in preparation for the Euro / Scando Freakabastia 2017, has been practising on and over the horn's "break"--that awkward part were the horn changes from one octave to another (think puberty)--i.e. moving smoothly from C to C# to D for all you saxophone players out there.

Hopefully when the time comes, this little Jooklo Zappa will be able to smash his horn-fist into the wall of western mono-tonality and musical cowardice in general, again and again, until a visible stain thereupon is made.

Until then!